Bend it Like the Simpsons

The new Simpsons film will utilize one of its stand-by targets: the Bible. Series creator Matt Groening showed clips to a London audience yesterday including one where Homer appears late to Church; when asked to explain he flips through the Bible and moans, "This book doesn't have any answers."

The religion of the Simpsons has been a primary concern of the show in its eighteen year run. From the good natured, zealous faith of the dweeby Flanders, to the random, droning sermons of Rev. Lovejoy, the show has had a hate/love relationship with the Bible.

Here are some Bible moments over the years:

• Homer complains that the Bible is "preachy"
• The family tunes into a local AM radio station to find that every one is talking about signs of evil
• Marge tells Bart he needs to go to church to learn how to love his fellow man and then they listen to a sermon where the Aromites "pierced the eyes of their fellow man"
• The First Church of Springfield marquee once reads "Evil Women in History from Jezebel to Janet Reno"
• Homer tells Lisa "if the Bible has taught us nothing else--and it hasn't--it's that girls should stick to girls sports such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such."
• The Myth of Creation Museum and "So You're calling God a Liar? An Unbiased Comparison of Evolution and Creationism"
• A new Catholic Church commercial
• A pregnant girl asks Bart to marry her because she is "religious like that" and Bart responds "how can you be religious if your pregnant?"
• Ned Flanders cannot tell his sons how--if Cain and Abel were the only children of Adam and Eve--they were able to populate the earth.
• Catholic Heaven v. Protestant Heaven
• Ned reads a stoned Homer the Bible
  
• Homer explains why he doesn't go to church
• Homer correctly predicts the Rapture and goes up to Heaven where God tells him that he sent his son down and he hasn't been the same since (Jesus is twirling around a swing set looking depressed)
  
• And my favorite: The Simpsons watch the film "Left Below"
  

The Naked Truth
Why stop at a bikini? when clothing is not very biblical--at least that is what the 53 year-old nudist Jim Cunningham argues in his book Nudism and Christianity. "Paradoxically, it's the Christians that oppose naturism the most -- next to the Muslims," says Cunningham, "and it's really their Bible that says so many wonderful things about the body." Incidentally, Cunningham is also blind.



(artwork from MotherPie Culture Art Life Media)
Tapping into the Wisdom of Bush
The "Dear Dr. Laura" letter has cropped up again--this time as a "Dear President Bush" letter. The famous letter that circulated across the country six years ago is a sardonic attack on those who use the Bible support their world view--posing questions on how other passages from the Bible may apply to modern life. Originally the letter was posted on the Internet addressed to the conservative and controversial radio host Dr. Laura Schlesinger and became so popular that in six months time it was featured in an episode of West Wing (you can read its full history here).

Today it is being circulated as an address to President Bush in response to his refusal to provide funds for stem cell research. After flattering Bush's mastery of biblical truths, the author asks questions such as: "A friend would like to sell his daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?" The authorship changes with every print (apparently there are many people out there anxious to point out the vagueness and ambiguity of the Bible) but I have never seen a response to any of the authors. If you have, send it my way.

A Flood is Never Just a Flood
Blame it on Noah. Ever since God wiped out humanity save for one family, he has turned into a serial flooder. There were debates about whether the 2004 tsunami was about God's wrath, an Alabama state senator declared that Hurricane Katrina was an effort to wipe out the New Orleans sins of gambling, and now not even mind-your-own-business England can escape divine retribution.

Rainfalls across Yorkshire, Lincolnshire and the Midlands caused rivers to swell, submerging hundreds of homes in what the Bishop of Liverpool and the Bishop of Carlisle call an "act of God." The Daily News reports that they claimed "the devastation was the consequence of the West's decision to ignore Biblical teaching, with an 'arrogant' world 'reaping what we have sown'." Perhaps as a sign from humanity back to God--I mean, er, Hollywood--Evan Almighty, the modern-day Noah story, has been a box office flop. Too many people already know the story too well.

Bible Bending Movies: More Pain, Less Laughter?

Evan Almighty, a modern day Noah story, opened in theaters Friday and the reviews have mostly lamented the wasted talents of Steve Carell. But at least one review had the good sense to spare a moment to lament the film's Bible bending.

David Plotz, the Slate.com writer of Blogging the Bible fame, does not think anyone involved with the film even bothered to read the Noah story of the Bible. "I'm no great religious scholar, but it doesn't take Pope Benedict to see that the Noah story is not a charming little tale about familial love, but a terrifying lesson about our dependence on God: a warning that we are alone in the world and always at the mercy of a wrathful and demanding Lord," writes Plotz.

Plotz is especially concerned with a scene where God, played by Morgan Freeman appears to Noah's wife and tells her that most people "miss the point" of the famous flood story. Rather than a tale of God's anger, God points to out the cooperation it took to bring pairs of animals and a family together, "I think it's a love story about believing in each other."

This "pander at the Christian market," says Plotz, reveals "Hollywood's embarrassingly stupid approach to religion and faith." The simple coffee-mug morality "strips away anything Christian (or Jewish) about the story and replaces it with a message of universal hokum."

That any writer would have the acumen to recognize Bible bending is so exciting and rare I am loathe to criticize Plotz; but it can not be helped. Plotz was right to call Hollywood out for its infantile morality tales. The Bible is ripe for parody; why the need to come to a sugary resolution? But Plotz's concern is not that they are using the Bible to cater to the belief that its message is eternal, but that the movie uses the Bible wrong.

First of all, assuming that there can be such a thing as having a film be "Christian and Jewish," what could possibly be more Christian and Jewish than retelling that story over and over again using whatever cultural means available? Plotz believes that Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ, with its portrayal of "suffering and sacrifice" was closer to Christianity than Evan Almighty (I am not kidding, Plotz actually said that). Cinematic tastes aside, how does a film about coffee-mug morality disqualify it as Christian? The Bible is full of coffee-mug morality ("Do unto others as you would have done to you" comes to mind).

The problem with Plotz's conclusion, is that while criticizing Evan Almighty's attempt to distill the Bible's message into a neat feel-good moment about Acts of Random Kindness (or "ark," get it?) Plotz does the same thing, minus the feel-good. "The lesson of the Bible is that faith is hard, and unrewarding, and painful," writes Plotz.

So here is my plea to movie makers and journalists and politicians: stop coming about with lessons we need to learn from the Bible. There is only so much to be squeezed out of a two thousand year-old text; stop trying to make it support every idea that pops into your head.