Bible bending goes to court

"Jurors with Bibles have created an ongoing controversy over the death sentence of a Waco man convicted of killing an East Texas farmer during a home burglary nearly a decade ago."

I almost fell off my chair when I read this sentence as I perused the first morning newspaper of the year 2008. Juror's with Bibles are causing a stir? in a nation where everyone from presidents to congress persons (with a notable exception) to state witnesses swear on the Bible? Could this be true?

Thankfully, it is.

The lawyers for Khristian Oliver, the only assailant of the three who received the death penalty, are arguing that the jury members improperly consulted the Bible, specifically Numbers 35:16, when determining the appropriate punishment for Oliver's crimes.

"This is headed toward a showdown on a very fundamental question on the use of the Bible," said Winston Cochran, Mr. Oliver's lawyer.

In other words, this is a case about Bible bending--deciding how we as a nation are going to address the way we use and understand the Bible. Wow. Happy New Year.

Woman kicked off the bus for reading the Bible to her children aloud

Here is one of those stories that becomes a story because it has to do with the Bible. It is also exactly the kind of story that Matt Drudge loves.

Here is what happened:
A woman was reading the Bible to her two children. The bus driver found her loud and inappropriate and told her to stop. The woman refused. She was kicked off the bus.

First of all, the bus driver was in the right. Every bus driver has the right to enforce company policies (in the case, a policy of no loud or abusive behavior) and to refuse service to those who violate the policy after due warning.

So what is the journalist's excuse (or in the case, CBS Dallas/Fort Worth news)? How is this a story? Take out the "Bible" and it is a story of a woman who refused to comply with the city bus policy of conduct. Had the woman been reading Harry Potter too loudly and been asked to stop, this would not be a story.

Genesis 19: Total Insanity

As a "Merry belated Christmas" present, here is some hilarious Bible bending brought to you by superdeluxe.com:
(And as with many things Hebrew Bible related, it is probably not suitable for children)

Bible bending climatologist

Forget the science behind this graph (the creators obviously have) and check out the Bible bending points of reference:


I know this is fuzzy (the original is not much clearer) but notice that right between "scattered volcanic eruptions" and "sudden cool down" we have the "Hebrew Exodus from Egypt" at around 1200 B.C. and, at a time of global temperature equilibrium, Jesus was born. Then things really started to heat up.

Readers of the Bible bending blog know that the Bible can crop up anywhere at anytime. Often its use is defended as a culturally efficient way to focus mass attention on moral imperatives (say, feeding the hungry and clothing the naked). Aside from negating the complexity of the Bible and reaffirming the Bible's usefulness for all parties (those who feel that men lying with men is an abomination, for example), such a defense attempts to ignore the impact of the Bible's take on history and its vision of the future. The Bible creates an entire world view that makes sense of past and present events in a way that only rarely agrees with historical analysis, archaeological evidence, and the current political environment.

Cliff Harris, co-creator of the above graph, is a self-taught climatologist who according to an article in The Spokesman Review (February 26, 2007) believes the Bible is loaded with clues on predicting the weather.

Harris told the newspaper, "I do believe in a period of extreme global warming. That will be in the tribulation period. That's when the real global warming will come in. Those of us who are believers, we're looking forward to it."

The "tribulation period" (for those dozen or so of us who have not read the Left Behind series) is the time referred to in Mathew 24:21 and Revelation when sinners will meet divine judgment. So according to Harris, global warming is coming, it is our fault, and there is nothing we can (or should) do about it.

Harris is not just a man who needs to invest in some better graph software, he is the go-to climatologist for global warming skeptics. So take this Bible bending climate graph to heart: the Bible is not just a quirky cultural reference, it is leading us down the road to dusty death.

Crucifiction bending

I would like to know the message here:


Is it: "Christmas is about Jesus not Santa, so Santa must die"?

Or (and I know this is a bit of Da Vinci Code bending here): "Jesus so loved the world that he gave us his love-child with Mary Madelene and that child grew up to become Santa Clause and now he too must die"?

Or maybe: "Boy those Romans were sick bastards; they crucified some nice fellas."

Or maybe I am missing the point completely and the white beams were just the necessary buttresses behind creating "Flying in for a Hug" Santa Clause.

As it turns out, none of thee above.

Apparently Art Conrad, the creator of this lawn ornament, is making a statement about Christmas and consumerism. For those who wouldn't have picked up on that right away, Mr. Conrad has placed the words "Santa died for your MasterCard" under dying Santa. Still, I find the whole theology behind it a bit muddled. Is Mr. Conrad recommending crucifying Santa Clause as part of our road to recovering from our seasonal shopoholism? Or is Santa sacrificing himself for our consumerism sins? Is Santa a martyr or an unwanted rebel-rouser? Maybe the reason the theology behind the death of Santa Clause is so fuzzy is that the similar death of Jesus is fuzzy too.

Bible bending satellite images

How many times have you read about Moses parting the Red Sea and thought to yourself, "I wish I could see an aerial photograph of that?" Or thought about Adam and Eve and wished you could get a birds eye view of the two of them relaxing in Eden? And what about the crucification? Wouldn't that make a pretty picture?

Wonder no more. Thanks to the all-seeing Google Earth and the all-willing-to-cut-and-paste Glue Society, we now have satellite photos of biblical scenes:

such as Adam and Eve relaxing in Eden:


Noah's ark surrounded by flood waters:

Moses parting the Red Sea:

And Jesus on the crucifix:


Before you get too excited, you won't be able to buy these pictures for your loved ones this Christmas. The set was sold for $36,000 last week.

The Presidential Bible bending Christmas Card

The White House Christmas card features a verse from Nehemiah 9.6.
You alone are the LORD.
You made the heavens, even the highest heavens,
and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it,
the seas and all that is in them.
You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.

Barbara Walters commented on "The View" that it was the most religious White House Christmas card that she has ever received.

UPDATE: Not to be out done, the Huckabee campaign has released this new commercial in which Huckabee tells his potential voters:
"Are you about worn out with all those TV commercials you've been seeing--mostly about politics? I don't blame you. At this time of year sometimes it's nice to pull aside all of that and remember that what really matters is the celebration of the birth of Christ, and being with our family and our friends. I hope that you and your family will have a magnificent Christmas season. And behalf of all of us, God Bless, and Merry Christmas."