Genesis 19: Total Insanity

As a "Merry belated Christmas" present, here is some hilarious Bible bending brought to you by superdeluxe.com:
(And as with many things Hebrew Bible related, it is probably not suitable for children)

Bible bending climatologist

Forget the science behind this graph (the creators obviously have) and check out the Bible bending points of reference:


I know this is fuzzy (the original is not much clearer) but notice that right between "scattered volcanic eruptions" and "sudden cool down" we have the "Hebrew Exodus from Egypt" at around 1200 B.C. and, at a time of global temperature equilibrium, Jesus was born. Then things really started to heat up.

Readers of the Bible bending blog know that the Bible can crop up anywhere at anytime. Often its use is defended as a culturally efficient way to focus mass attention on moral imperatives (say, feeding the hungry and clothing the naked). Aside from negating the complexity of the Bible and reaffirming the Bible's usefulness for all parties (those who feel that men lying with men is an abomination, for example), such a defense attempts to ignore the impact of the Bible's take on history and its vision of the future. The Bible creates an entire world view that makes sense of past and present events in a way that only rarely agrees with historical analysis, archaeological evidence, and the current political environment.

Cliff Harris, co-creator of the above graph, is a self-taught climatologist who according to an article in The Spokesman Review (February 26, 2007) believes the Bible is loaded with clues on predicting the weather.

Harris told the newspaper, "I do believe in a period of extreme global warming. That will be in the tribulation period. That's when the real global warming will come in. Those of us who are believers, we're looking forward to it."

The "tribulation period" (for those dozen or so of us who have not read the Left Behind series) is the time referred to in Mathew 24:21 and Revelation when sinners will meet divine judgment. So according to Harris, global warming is coming, it is our fault, and there is nothing we can (or should) do about it.

Harris is not just a man who needs to invest in some better graph software, he is the go-to climatologist for global warming skeptics. So take this Bible bending climate graph to heart: the Bible is not just a quirky cultural reference, it is leading us down the road to dusty death.

Crucifiction bending

I would like to know the message here:


Is it: "Christmas is about Jesus not Santa, so Santa must die"?

Or (and I know this is a bit of Da Vinci Code bending here): "Jesus so loved the world that he gave us his love-child with Mary Madelene and that child grew up to become Santa Clause and now he too must die"?

Or maybe: "Boy those Romans were sick bastards; they crucified some nice fellas."

Or maybe I am missing the point completely and the white beams were just the necessary buttresses behind creating "Flying in for a Hug" Santa Clause.

As it turns out, none of thee above.

Apparently Art Conrad, the creator of this lawn ornament, is making a statement about Christmas and consumerism. For those who wouldn't have picked up on that right away, Mr. Conrad has placed the words "Santa died for your MasterCard" under dying Santa. Still, I find the whole theology behind it a bit muddled. Is Mr. Conrad recommending crucifying Santa Clause as part of our road to recovering from our seasonal shopoholism? Or is Santa sacrificing himself for our consumerism sins? Is Santa a martyr or an unwanted rebel-rouser? Maybe the reason the theology behind the death of Santa Clause is so fuzzy is that the similar death of Jesus is fuzzy too.

Bible bending satellite images

How many times have you read about Moses parting the Red Sea and thought to yourself, "I wish I could see an aerial photograph of that?" Or thought about Adam and Eve and wished you could get a birds eye view of the two of them relaxing in Eden? And what about the crucification? Wouldn't that make a pretty picture?

Wonder no more. Thanks to the all-seeing Google Earth and the all-willing-to-cut-and-paste Glue Society, we now have satellite photos of biblical scenes:

such as Adam and Eve relaxing in Eden:


Noah's ark surrounded by flood waters:

Moses parting the Red Sea:

And Jesus on the crucifix:


Before you get too excited, you won't be able to buy these pictures for your loved ones this Christmas. The set was sold for $36,000 last week.

The Presidential Bible bending Christmas Card

The White House Christmas card features a verse from Nehemiah 9.6.
You alone are the LORD.
You made the heavens, even the highest heavens,
and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it,
the seas and all that is in them.
You give life to everything,
and the multitudes of heaven worship you.

Barbara Walters commented on "The View" that it was the most religious White House Christmas card that she has ever received.

UPDATE: Not to be out done, the Huckabee campaign has released this new commercial in which Huckabee tells his potential voters:
"Are you about worn out with all those TV commercials you've been seeing--mostly about politics? I don't blame you. At this time of year sometimes it's nice to pull aside all of that and remember that what really matters is the celebration of the birth of Christ, and being with our family and our friends. I hope that you and your family will have a magnificent Christmas season. And behalf of all of us, God Bless, and Merry Christmas."

Sherri Shephard: Christians predated everything!

I know Bible bending is different than just pure ignorance and I don't have enough time to host a stupidity blog but I couldn't let Sherri Shephard's comment on The View yesterday go without comment.

After a meandering discussion on the Greek philosopher Epicurus (341 B.C. - 270 B.C.) and happiness, Whoppi Goldberg comments that there was no "Jesus Christ stuff around" at the time. To which Shephard responds, "no, there were still Christians." When Whoppi tentatively suggests that Epicurus predates Christians Shephard declares, "I don't think anything predated Christians."



The Huffington Post points out that the argument could have easily resolved itself if someone told Shephard what B.C. means (BEFORE Christ). But my favorite part of the show was when Whoppi calmed Shephard's insistence that Jesus predated Greeks and Romans with a mere "not on paper" as if the only flaw in Shephard's understanding of history was that it was not written down. What are we going to do with the view of history that is "on paper"?

CNN Debate: Huckabee Explains the Bible

Former Arkansas governor and Baptist minister, Mike Huckabee, flexed his theologian muscle tonight during the GOP presidential debate.

Responding to a pointed question by Joseph Dearing who held up the Bible and asked the candidates, "Do you believe in this book?" Huckabee flashed his minister credentials:

"I believe the Bible is exactly what it is: it's the word of revelation to us from God himself. And the fact is that when people ask, 'do you believe all of it?' you either believe it or you don't believe it but in the greater sense, I think that what the question tried to make us feel like is that 'well, if you believe the part that says 'go and pluck out your eye,' ...well none of us believe we ought to pluck out our eye. That obviously is allegorical. But the Bible has some messages that nobody really can confuse and really not left to interpretation. 'Love your neighbor as your self.' 'In as much as you've done to the least of these brethren, you've done unto me.' Until we get those simple, real easy things right I am not so sure that we should be fighting over those other parts that are a little bit complicated. And as the only person here probably on this stage with a theology degree, there are parts of it I don't fully comprehend and understand but I am not supposed to. Because the Bible is a revelation of an infinite god and no finite person is ever going to fully understand it; if they do, their god is too small."

To recap, Huckabee knows 1.) the difference between allegorical passages and passages "not left to interpretation" and 2.) that things he doesn't understand about the Bible he is not supposed to understand. Fine. Frankly, it was a nonsense question. But since Huckabee writes on his official website: "My faith is my life - it defines me. I don't separate my faith from my personal and professional lives." here is what the American public should be asking Huckabee:
1.) how do these non-negotiable passages like "love your neighbor..." apply to your foreign and domestic policy, Huckabee? Specifically on issues such as immigration and the war on terror. 2.) If we agree that there are passages of the Bible that "are a little bit complicated," can we have your word that you will keep them out of the primary and (if applicable) the presidency?

UPDATE: Answering my last question is Dick Morris, Huckabee's potential adviser as the Republican nominee who told the LA Times on Sunday:
"[Huckabee] puts all of the Bible into play. It's not just 'thou shalt not, thou shalt not, thou shalt not,' but it's the positive aspects of his religion, too -- which is 'love thy neighbor,' and 'when I was naked you clothed me,' and a sense of helping poor people." All the Bible into play? Oh Xenu, help us.